Internet crimes and their suggested punishments

I originally published this post a while back on my other blog.

Having upgraded my home PC, I decided to search for Windows 8 Power Toys. Hmm… a bad idea. It seems that people’s ideas of power toys has changed over the years. These days, it could mean just about anything, but to writers of technical, or so called “power user” blogs, it generally means utility applications that they can’t do without. Often, these useless utilities provide functionality that is already present in Windows, but the power users are too fucking stupid to know that.

Thus it is time to republish my list of internet crimes and their suggested punishments. (I can always hope that a serial killer or psychopath reads them and applies them.)

Note that I have updated my notes for crime number 3. It now applies to all lists of any sort published on the web.

Here follows the original post:

The internet has changed the way we interact with others. It has come to my attention that in this virtual society, a number of serious offenses, which our laws do not yet recognize as crimes,  have been committed and have gone unpunished for far too long. I thusly propose this list of crimes and recommended punishments, which I highly recommend be put into practice immediately.

1. Epic fail

This phrase has been misused for far too long. It was inappropriate to begin with, since epic was never really correct, and then later was adopted by people whose lack of brain cells is surpassed only by their inability to express anything in their own words. Anybody using this phrase in any comments or message anywhere at all shall be publically flogged.

2. My vote of 1 (CodeProject)

Stick it up your bum. And by that I mean a hot poker. Anybody who submits a vote of 1 to any article on CodeProject will be subjected to a hot poker up their anus.

3. The top 10 [anything] of all time (YouTube)/ and any comparative list published anywhere

Anybody who watches any top 10 video shall have their eyes gauged out with a hot poker, after it is removed from the arse of a “1 vote” criminal above.

Submission of a “top 10” video is a heinous crime. There is no need even to try to explain why to any of these fools. As an example I offer any of the “top 10 most terrifying scenes in horror movies” or the like. (But don’t go and watch one! You have been warned.) These people are too stupid to understand that creating horror movies is a craft for experts. Removing a scene from its original context doesn’t just spoil the movie; the scene is no longer scary. Thus the list creates a disjointed list of scary moments that is not scary at all, which can ruin up to ten movies for someone who hasn’t seen them yet.

Note that this crime now (24 August 2013) applies to any comparative list published anywhere on the world wide web, since any such lists are, without exception, bullshit.

For punishment, convicted serial killers will be allowed to choose an assassination method of their liking from any top 10 movies they find on YouTube. (After which their eyes will be gauged out. There can be no exceptions.)

4. <sarcasm>Sarcasm Tags</sarcasm>

Anyone who has used tags to denote sarcasm shall be shipped off to Afghanistan, where they will remain for one month, forced to spend their days outside mosques, chanting “Allahu Akbar motherfucker” as they burn the Quran. When approached, they must defend themselves with “I was just being sarcastic”, because that is the same as sarcasm tags. Anyone who somehow survives the experience will be shot.

And just in case you don’t get the last one, since I was not being sarcastic when I wrote it, I shall explain:

Sarcasm is by definition meant to insult/deride/hurt the person at which it is directed. If the person is female and does not immediately burst into tears, your attempt at sarcasm was weak. You need to try harder.

If you need to enclose your written sarcasm in sarcasm HTML tags, I must regretfully inform you that you are too stupid to be sarcastic. You aimed for sarcasm, but your low intellect and lack of wit resulted in facetiousness instead. (You don’t already know this because other people’s sarcasm and wit usually flies right over your head.)


About Jerome

I am a senior C# developer in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am also a recovering addict, who spent nearly eight years using methamphetamine. I write on my recovery blog about my lessons learned and sometimes give advice to others who have made similar mistakes, often from my viewpoint as an atheist, and I also write some C# programming articles on my programming blog.
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